10 SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE DATING OR FRIENDS WITH A MANIPULATOR:
1. Playing Innocent
A manipulator does not take responsibility for hurting others and instead plays innocent, acting like they are the harmed party when confronted about their hurtful behavior. By playing innocent and casting them self as the victim, they try to throw their partner off balance, making them feel unjustified or even guilty about challenging their behavior. The victim may even become sympathetic, feeling that their bad experiences hurt them, instead of seeing their manipulative behavior as an attempt to win at all costs.
2. Rationalizing Behavior
A manipulator will offer rationalizations that justify their behavior, reasons that come close enough to making sense that the partner being manipulated is easily put off guard. The rationalizations are not their true motives, merely a means of justifying their conduct so as to avoid having to have a realistic discussion about changing it.
3. Now You See It, Now You Don’t
Try to discuss an area of disagreement with a manipulator, and the manipulator may try to retain control by changing the topic or throwing in everything including the kitchen sink to distract their partner from the discussion topic.
A classic example of how a manipulator diverts attention from the topic at hand is to talk about how the behavior they’ve committed, and the partner has identified as a problem, is something other people do to them. They turn the discussion from their wrongdoing to how they are so often wronged.
Another approach is for the manipulator to introduce extraneous factors rather than respond directly to comments or questions.
4. Playing Dumb
Rather than address criticism or requests to change behaviors, a manipulator will often play dumb. With the goal of maintaining power and control, they will ignore the requests and not listen to others’ suggestions.
5. Sharing Half-Truths
A manipulator is likely to hide information that is relevant or deny their behavior by sharing just enough of the truth as necessary to convince others of their honesty. Key aspects of a situation may not be disclosed by a manipulator seeking to maintain control.
6. Inducing Guilt
A manipulative person makes accusations when confronted about their own behavior. Some classics are to accuse the partner of not loving them enough, not doing enough for them, or not doing enough to help them. Their inability to change is portrayed as their partner’s fault. Typically, a manipulator chooses an empathetic partner who is vulnerable to this tactic.
7. Jokes and Insults
A manipulator will try to shame or intimidate their partner by making insulting remarks. When confronted, the manipulator will often try to pass off their rude and insulting remarks as “jokes.” A careful and honest listener will realize that the jokes are not funny and have serious, unfriendly overtones.
8. Blaming Others
A manipulator avoids responsibility for their own conduct by blaming others for causing it.
9. Minimizing the Significance of Behavior
Expect a manipulator to accuse their partner of making too big a deal out of their behavior. The partner will be accused of exaggerating the behavior itself or its significance. In other words, the manipulator contends “it’s not me who has the problem.”
10: Bullying the Victim
At the first sign their partner is trying to hold them accountable for their behavior, a manipulator may begin to turn the tables by bullying the partner. They may accuse the partner of wrongdoing on other occasions or of always treating them badly. By bullying the partner, they expect the victim to back off and let them maintain their controlling position.
***”Manipulation is a learned behavior — no one is born with it. It’s very much a survival strategy learned from early childhood and therefore changing the behavior is near impossible. Your time is better invested in developing strategies to protect yourselves, because you can never change a manipulator’s actions.”
In other words, dump the jerk and then look into how you attracted them in the first place. “Women who attract manipulators tend to lack self-worth and assertiveness, and they tend to be people pleasers. They trust to the point of ignorance and therefore do not realize that they are being manipulated until they have been in emotional turmoil for some time. It can often be years before they see the situation for what it really is.”
But once you do recognize it, you can put a stop to it. “First, take responsibility and own up to being a victim and a target. And most importantly, get out of the relationship and become who you really are; not something someone else wants you to be.”
Sources: Carol Bengle Gilbert and Colleen Oakley
